Secrets

I read Post Secret once a week to see all the new postcards and sometimes I go to that site to just immerse myself in other people's secrets.

I love the idea of writing down a secret and mailing it in, for the chance that it might be shared with many other people who no doubt feel the same way. Some secrets resonate with me, others I don't understand at all, which is exactly why we have secrets. I don't want some of my secrets to resonate with other people, I want them to be my own. Other secrets, I wish I could tell, so that someone might come to me and tell me that they understand.

So this morning I sit in front of my computer and wonder, what secret would I send in? How would I express it? So, I'm going to start getting out some of my secrets right now. I have a lot to wade through before I get to the big ones.

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When I was 8 years old, I carved my best friend's code name and my own code name with a heart around it, into a piece of my parent's furniture. Whenever I am all alone in the living room, I go look at it, and remember what it felt like to be 8 years old.

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I told the guy I lost my virginity to that I had slept with two other people before him.
(okay, that one is fucked up. i always had a disdain for those magical 'losing-your-virginity' fantasies. i didn't want him to worry about being my first, or worry about me getting all fucked up about it... i just wanted to have sex with him. so i did. and i don't really regret it. i made sure that my first experience with sex was with someone i loved, and i made sure that it was just that. i didn't leave room for any bullshit. from that i learned that sex is great with someone who you love, but it can also be just sex. don't worry, i am honest about my number, now...)

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Well, getting those secrets out didn't make it any easier to get to the bigger secrets. It just made me think of the myriad of secrets I hold inside and how hard it is to share them. However, it does feel nice to open myself up. There is a certain security in vulnerability. If anyone dares to hurt me in a vulnerable state, it is on their head and not mine. People who prey on weakness should not be in my world, and when I am vulnerable, it allows for those preying assholes to show their true colours.