Thursday, April 21, 2005

Blog Wars

Equation A: Drunk + MSN = bad jokes
Equation B: Bloggers + MSN = even cornier jokes
A + B = blog wars.
I think I win because not only do I know what |337 means, but I know how to type on MSN in a russian accent. And I just started off this post with a mathematical equation. And I am the Queen of Pancakes. I win.

mayor mc cheese says:
hey

septima says:
hi!

mayor mc cheese says:
hows the work comin?

septima says:
good

mayor mc cheese says:
i hope it hasnt been mind bending

septima says:
haha

septima says:
i just did the performance of my year tonight

septima says:
it was a character who relives her gangraper

septima says:
no r there...

septima says:
im drunk

septima says:
she goes to a dance, gets gangraped and then tells the audience about it

septima says:
it was the most emotionally draining piece i have ever done. rehearsing yesterday nearly killed me. between the runs, i would demand a really funny story.

mayor mc cheese says:
jesus...

mayor mc cheese says:
did you get a funny story???

septima says:
oh i got many

septima says:
now i only have one monologue tomorrow (its me onstage tlaking about my life in a theatrical way) and then 2 scenes (really challenging... a crazy psychic and a russian chick) and one monologue (an 81 year old woman) on thursday

septima says:
i cannot belive my brain holds this much

septima says:
i underestimated the poor thing

mayor mc cheese says:
im always pretending to be russian but i dont have to do it for grades...

septima says:
haha i need help on my accent. it really really sucks

mayor mc cheese says:
your brain deserves a rest

mayor mc cheese says:
yeah its hard to do

mayor mc cheese says:
sometimes i sound romanian or slavic which is close but cigars are nill

septima says:
hahah

septima says:
yah im just going for "eastern european" and consistency

septima says:
at this point, i cannot be picky

mayor mc cheese says:
dah.. iss goud plhan dahrlink

mayor mc cheese says:
eastern bloc is still full of fire and vodka

mayor mc cheese says:
well i wish u luck

septima says:
hhahah that actually heps

septima says:
*helps

septima says:
jesus im drunk

septima says:
ok

septima says:
i have to go to bed

septima says:
must act tomrrow at 10am

septima says:
will talk to you later dahlin

septima says:
i mean dahlink

mayor mc cheese says:
dah im surre you vill

septima says:
zank yuu

mayor mc cheese says:
sleep well and haf ghoud dreams darhlink

septima says:
or is it tank yuu

mayor mc cheese says:
dosvidanya butaska krupskaya

septima says:
haha seriously you can totally help me on this accent thign

septima says:
what are you doing wedesdany eveing?

mayor mc cheese says:
i haf no plahns

septima says:
do you haf plahns wit me?

septima says:
to halp me wit my rrussian ahcent?

septima says:
and drrink some vudka and beerrr?

mayor mc cheese says:
yah. i ken help you darhlink

mayor mc cheese says:
with anythink yu vant

septima says:
ooo how nice of yuu

septima says:
well i must get to ze bed

mayor mc cheese says:
well as gentleman of soviet russia it would be pleasure

septima says:
pearhapss we can do ze coknbuul?

mayor mc cheese says:
or de bar fly?

septima says:
pearhaps

septima says:
cahl me dahlink

mayor mc cheese says:
oh yess

mayor mc cheese says:
ill will give yu ring on eve of tomorrow

septima says:
i cahnnot belif that i cahn type in rrussian but i cahn not speak iht

mayor mc cheese says:
hehe

mayor mc cheese says:
ok

mayor mc cheese says:
you get some rest darhlink and dream sweet dreams of moscow by moonlight dah?

septima says:
dah

septima says:
gut night

mayor mc cheese says:
yu too

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Coinkidink? I think not!

Yesterday little ol' ADHD me sat down at my computer to write an essay and instead started blogging about who to fuck in the afterlife. Today I checked Statcounter and my lord, the sites that led people to my blog were terrifyingly appropriate.
I invite you all to take a gander...

ADHD writers die a horribly kinky death.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Word of the Day

I learned a new word the other day and I think that it is cooler than argyle socks. Let me enlighten you all....

DEFROCK: verb. dee-fr-o-k. To rob a nun of her holiness.

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

One question for you all: Does that bring the "defrocker" closer to God? If nuns are supposed to be married to Jesus wouldn't that give the defrocker some holy-Jesus-God properties?

While I'm on the topic of holy sex, who is the Pope banging in heaven? I know my personal heaven would include the best sex that those sexy little angels have to offer. What about the Pope? What fabulous people would he be fucking? No little boys, that has been done on earth a bit too much. I'm thinking beautiful women of epic proportions. But who??

I would like to do Che, Hitler, Stalin, Lenin and then Jimi Hendrix. In that order. Kurt Cobain can come too. I toyed with the idea of Shakespeare, but I heard Brits are awful in bed. Maybe in heaven that would change. But I don't know if I would risk it, even if just to say "I just did Bill Shakie".

Friday, April 08, 2005

i really suck at this university thing
not just suck, i mean suck like ol' toothless jane suck
i had months to prepare for this research paper
i started it last night at 11pm sort of
i really didnt write anything until 6 am
you see my friend and i think we are team all-night-essay
we should get some fuckin tshirts
what we are really good at is making a million long distance phone calls
searching for the name of a song
it is the most goddam frustratin thing
when you only know the melody and only three words out of the song
and the chorus is just dadadada and google doesnt help you
and everyone you call only knows the melody too
and says things like "wow i love that song! what is the name of it?"
fuckin eh i wouldnt call you if i knew now would i
jeeperscreepers
thankfully mtlanglo came to my rescue... suzanne vega... tom's diner...
thank you thank you thank you
now i am in my 36th hour and im going crazy
no sorry
i went crazy
what sane person thinks they can write an essay with a friend??

Monday, April 04, 2005

Damn Docs

My whole life I have had awful experiences with doctors. My pediatrician killed himself when he got diagnosed with HIV. My eye doctor died of cancer. My first family doctor escaped the declining Ontario health system and fled to the Grand Cayman Islands. My second family doctor just got diagnosed with breast cancer. I am cursed.

It does not end there.

Before my knee surgery, my doctor made a bad joke about making sure he was about to operate on the right leg. Then he started chattering about Vancouver winning the Olympic bid as I was succumbing to the powers of anesthesia. I knew at that point that things were not going to go well.

Six weeks after that fun time, I broke my leg at my own house party (in case you are wondering, that sucked) and the overnight E.R. doctor told me that the crack in my tibia was supposed to be there. Riiight. Then he went on to lecture me about how the alcohol level in my blood was far above the legal driving limit. If my memory serves me correctly, I think it was 4 or 5 times above the limit. I blame it on the multiple flaming sambuca shots. I tried to explain that one does not drive drunk with a broken leg to the hospital, but he wouldn't listen to me because I was too drunk.

The last PAP smear I had done was conducted by a man. I have no problem with men hanging out in that area, but if I am not going to get off, he can just pass me my pants and I will be on my way. The fact that he was joking around with the nurse that was also peering into me, did not make me feel any less squeamish. "Now, we need you to relax a bit more." Sorry folks, my vagina is shy. And just staring at her is not making her feel any better.

Now my ear hurts. Alot. I am afraid my left ear is going to fall off my body. They are may just be decorational pieces on the sides of our heads but I still like them. I have not had an ear infection since I was six years old. I am deathly afraid of what will happen when I go to the doctors this afternoon. Either I will be told that the doctors have all caught some fatal disease and my ear will just have to fall off on its own, or the doctor will look at my ear and blame the infection on my weak ankle or some other unrelated ailment that dwells within my body.

Either I have abnormally bad luck or my doctors need more training. A dose of immortality can't hurt.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

s...o...s

if there is a god
please please let him give me the strength i need to delete snood
failing that
can someone come over and delete snood for me?
it is sucking my soul
i cannot do anything any more
but play this game
and listen to dj shadow
and think about all the other things i could be doing instead
that i am fairly sure would be more productive than playing this cursed game
i close my eyes
i see their little faces
lined up in rows
purple ones talk to me
red ones scare me
please please
i need an exorcism
of snood
it has posessed me
does the catholic church still do exorcisms?
shit
the pope died
will the church go on???
does it really matter??
someone please
please help me

if anyone out there
has my ailment
please help
if you are one of the lucky ones
do not
i repeat do not
download this game

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Fashion scares me

The Japs have comitted fashion crime once again.

What is even scarier is that these imitation see through skirts only have pictures of wedgies or bad panites. Jeeesus H. At least put some cute underwear on those things. Or if you must display the boring whities, can't they at least fit properly? This is not fashion. This is a wedgie nightmare.

baaad idea

Why oh why cruel world WHY?
Mitch Hedberg is dead, Hunter S. Thompson has passed... and the Pope is on his merry way to the ground as well.
THREE icons of humour... gone. Sigh... who will make me laugh now?

Friday, April 01, 2005

I don't trust anything on April Fool's Day. But I learned two things this morning that I hope so desperately are true:

1) Pat O'Brien is in rehab and some poor poor sod is stuck in the same rehab centre as the Master of Smarm. Please please let this be true.

2) I am being offered 200$ to get out of this apartment a week before my lease is up. The trolls that dwell in the apartment below me are moving to my apartment when I leave. They anticipate a mess so large that Mr. Clean would run away from it. Smart little trolls they are. The reason why I love this so much is because it gives me one last chance to piss them off... maybe I won't leave early. Suckers.