Damn Docs

My whole life I have had awful experiences with doctors. My pediatrician killed himself when he got diagnosed with HIV. My eye doctor died of cancer. My first family doctor escaped the declining Ontario health system and fled to the Grand Cayman Islands. My second family doctor just got diagnosed with breast cancer. I am cursed.

It does not end there.

Before my knee surgery, my doctor made a bad joke about making sure he was about to operate on the right leg. Then he started chattering about Vancouver winning the Olympic bid as I was succumbing to the powers of anesthesia. I knew at that point that things were not going to go well.

Six weeks after that fun time, I broke my leg at my own house party (in case you are wondering, that sucked) and the overnight E.R. doctor told me that the crack in my tibia was supposed to be there. Riiight. Then he went on to lecture me about how the alcohol level in my blood was far above the legal driving limit. If my memory serves me correctly, I think it was 4 or 5 times above the limit. I blame it on the multiple flaming sambuca shots. I tried to explain that one does not drive drunk with a broken leg to the hospital, but he wouldn't listen to me because I was too drunk.

The last PAP smear I had done was conducted by a man. I have no problem with men hanging out in that area, but if I am not going to get off, he can just pass me my pants and I will be on my way. The fact that he was joking around with the nurse that was also peering into me, did not make me feel any less squeamish. "Now, we need you to relax a bit more." Sorry folks, my vagina is shy. And just staring at her is not making her feel any better.

Now my ear hurts. Alot. I am afraid my left ear is going to fall off my body. They are may just be decorational pieces on the sides of our heads but I still like them. I have not had an ear infection since I was six years old. I am deathly afraid of what will happen when I go to the doctors this afternoon. Either I will be told that the doctors have all caught some fatal disease and my ear will just have to fall off on its own, or the doctor will look at my ear and blame the infection on my weak ankle or some other unrelated ailment that dwells within my body.

Either I have abnormally bad luck or my doctors need more training. A dose of immortality can't hurt.