on 'not' smoking

the problem with being a non-smoker is the fact that you don't smoke.
i like smoking. i miss smoking.
i miss my favorite prop.
aside from the fact that i probably already have some sort of throat cancer i wish i still smoked.
so i could sit and have a cigarette with a glass of wine after dinner.
so i could talk about quitting school and travelling the world over coffee and cigarettes.

its been 1 hour since i had a cigarette.

before that, it was 9 whole days.

a few of those days barely count because i was sweating out a fever while dreaming delusional thoughts. i could barely tell you where my nose was, let alone bring a burning object from my hand to my mouth.

so it was 5 conscious days smoke-free and i hated them all.

its a hell of a lot easier to maintain my "i'm too good for academia" persona with a cigarette in hand.

actually, it is a hell of a lot more fun to be self-righteous while smoking.

but i'm going to get back on the stupid wagon tomorrow and requit. no more cigarettes... again. but let me tell you, it won't be fun, i am not going to enjoy myself and i am going to wish i could smoke. but i'm going to fight the urges. but i'm going to want to give in. but i won't.

i'm forever doomed to bear the title "non-smoking smoker". doomed i say.

doomed.