I invoke the powers of free speech and I say...

To the badly dressed girl in my Theatre History class:
"Stop whining, this is university, honey. If you are in the least bit shocked at the amount of reading we have to do, get the fuck out of this class right now. If you think that people will listen to you, you are so wrong. I have assembled a team of proffessionally bitter first-years who eat girls like you for breakfast. We sat in the front row because we were sick of having morons in our sightlines. "

To "Steve" from the bookstore:
"Where were you today man? I needed you! There are 50 people in one of my classes and only 9 books where ordered! How the HELL am I supposed to show up the badly dressed loudmouth if I haven't done my readings??"

To my neighbours downstairs:
"Yes, I will play ACDC in the morning. Yes, I will dance around to top 40 "rap" songs because they are fun. Yes, I will play this new dnb track really fucking loud because I love it. And then, I will call the cops on YOUR ass and tell them that your loud opera music is impeding me from rocking out. There will be NO mezzosopranos in this building."

To the university admissions department:
"WTF? Were you guys asleep last March? We have a serious problem here. You see, I assumed that university had some sort of weeding out process. I got an ego boost when I got into schools. Now all it is, is a stinging insult."

To Keith Richards:
"Clearly all the drugs you have ingested have had a preservation effect."

To my friends:
"We are all very strange. Stranger than any of us will ever comprehend. Our bizarre identification to Twin Peaks explains it all."