Monday, September 19, 2005


I had to introduce myself to a class today and nearly cried I was so nervous. All I had to say was my name, what program I was in, and what ideas I have for this production I am going to be a part of in December. A few months ago, I was not nervous at all to get up onstage in front of three times as many people and cry about a gangrape my character endured. That piece required me to pratically relive the rape and I went into it balls to the wall.

So what the crap was with me freaking out about introducing myself?!

Sometimes I wish I was shy ALL the time so it wouldn't be such a shock to my system whenever I clam up. Nothing is worse than being half in and half out.

When my grandmother started to lose her mind to Alzheimer's, it was tortuous to sit back and watch her watch herself decline. Whenever she said something nonsensical, her eyes would reveal her surprise and lack of control over what was coming out of her mouth. A few minutes afterward, she would apologize for not making any sense. Now that she is completely gone, it's easier.

Sitting on the fence, any fence, about any topic whatsoever is the most irritating position. Just fucking pick something and commit to it.

So, what's with these spurts of bashfulness?! Christ, I even knew half the people in the class personally. And bisexuality? There's another fence-sit of mine.

Let this be a warning to you fence-sitters. I hate you. Maybe because I see that quailty in myself and there is nothing like an unwanted trait in yourself to make you hate it in others.

On a postive note, I had a very happy birthday. As soon as I find my camera I will show off my makeup. I was erm... colourful. And I brought handcuffs to the bar. Every one needs a prop every now and again, don't they now?

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