Tuesday, December 28, 2004

The best thing about the holidays.

December is far too jammed pack full of over-hyped events. Exams, Christmas shopping, Christmas parties, Christmas Day, Boxing Day "sales" and then finally, New Years Eve. The big bang which is the best excuse ever devised to drink away all your holiday sorrows. In the ahem spirit of the season, I will vow to be a better human being than most of my family members and then get so fucked up I won't remember a damn thing about Christmas.

Before I obliterate my remaining braincells, proper vocabulary for my upcoming state is necessary.

http://thecrunktionary.blogspot.com/

Monday, December 27, 2004

What is a real job?

Is it a job you hate that you only keep for the big paychecks and the benefits?
Does it involve pushing paper? Sitting in a cubicle? Working 9-5 Monday to Friday?

Noone ever considers working in theatre a "real job". Is it because everyone in it wants to be there? Is it because we don't get paid much?

I define REAL by the things that make us who we are. Our personalities, our hopes, our dreams, our experiences, our realtionships... theatre is a way to explore those parts of us. I want to tell people's stories and I want to make people think about what is important to them. I want people to relate to the characters that I will portray. I want them to FEEL and what is more REAL than feelings?

Attack of the incorrigible Drama Queen!

You know you are useless when you break up with your boyfriend for a whole hour and then denied yourself make-up sex. I can barely recall how it happened, but I do remember realizing that we had gone from being cute and horny (as per usual) to broken-hearted in less than 10 minutes. Then I chickened out and basically said "never mind". I am the poster girl for the "confusing female".

I have had a week to ponder about my reasoning, or lack thereof, and have come up with a few possible explanations.

  1. I am an incorrigible drama queen doomed for a life of healthy relationships which I intentionally fuck up for lack of other problems in my life.
  2. There are real problems in my relationship, just as there are real problems in every other facet of my life. I can't take the easy way out with the rest of my life so I take the easy way out with my boyfriend.
  3. I am head over heels in love with him but I have this gut feeling that we are not meant for each other. My parents hate him, my friends don't know what to think, and I can't help but trust their opinions.
  4. I am head over heels in love with him and I feel like we are meant for each other. My superficial/indecisive/unindividualistic side of me wants to agree with my friends.

I just realized that all those reasons have the same root: love is really fucking hard to handle. It would be easy to not create problems and go with the flow. It would be easy to end it and go back to being a single, anonymous slut who walks alone down the sidewalk with fierce pride. It would be easy to agree with everyone around me for all the wrong reasons.

But it is not easy to live with heartbreak. I don't want to wake up everyday knowing I threw away something great. He understands me like no one else can. I act around everyone in my life except for him. He brings me back down to earth. He brings out my good and bad faces and kisses them both.

It's easier to live with a couple of doubts that disappear when I'm not trying to live up to my family's expectations.


Friday, December 24, 2004

A Christmas Rant

The holidays are upon us and there is nothing like Christmas to remind us all of the stupid formalities we all adhere to. I suppose it is natural for 7 siblings to have cycles of hating and loving. But is it natural to take to the next generation down with them? My cousins and I are so optimistic that "Why Can't We Be Friends" pops into my head. All we want is to have the whole family together for one peaceful evening a year.

On a scale of one to ten, I rate this year's gettogether at a 4. Not exactly fun but hey, only one or two direct insults were thrown across the table.

My real problem with it is how everyone seems to only care about the material things in life. Actually, they believe that the material things really matter. Here I was thinking that what really mattered was the human being in the house, not the house itself.

In my meager twenty years of existence I am proud that I have learned how to distinguish between Meaningless Drivel and What Really Matters. My knowledge gives me the great pleasure of watching adults twice my age struggle through all the Meaningless Drivel that defines their existence.

I struggled through this dinner with 25 of my relatives (to whom I do not relate) wanting to yell inappropriate things. I want to scream to my uncles that having the most expensive car means NOTHING in the long run. Tell my aunts that the next time they ask a question about my life and not care about my answer, that is not because my life is boring. It is because they can't see anything that is slightly off a linear path.

All of a sudden, I have been propelled into adult land. Now there are high expectations of me. Remember, the only time we can see expectations crystal clear is when we aren't living up to them.

If I was in commerce or marketing, well no fucking problem there. Noone would ask me "where is that going to take you?". Well, I'm in a theatre program at a university and it sucks. So I'm being persecuted for being in a theatre program, for not liking university, for living with my boyfriend, for not wanting a day job. I'm looked at as the black sheep of the family that noone understands or tries to understand. I'm asked questions and I answer and they talk at me about other more lucrative buisnesses.

Yes my uncle was able to buy a Cadillac STwhatever with his gazebo selling business but godddammit if I really wanted a cadillac or a porsche or a fucking mansion I would not be in CANADIAN THEATRE.

I am just trying to make sense of where I fit in the world and my place in my family seemed like a logical starting point. It's just hard to truly consider myself a member of that family when their values are so diluted.