Monday, December 27, 2004

Attack of the incorrigible Drama Queen!

You know you are useless when you break up with your boyfriend for a whole hour and then denied yourself make-up sex. I can barely recall how it happened, but I do remember realizing that we had gone from being cute and horny (as per usual) to broken-hearted in less than 10 minutes. Then I chickened out and basically said "never mind". I am the poster girl for the "confusing female".

I have had a week to ponder about my reasoning, or lack thereof, and have come up with a few possible explanations.

  1. I am an incorrigible drama queen doomed for a life of healthy relationships which I intentionally fuck up for lack of other problems in my life.
  2. There are real problems in my relationship, just as there are real problems in every other facet of my life. I can't take the easy way out with the rest of my life so I take the easy way out with my boyfriend.
  3. I am head over heels in love with him but I have this gut feeling that we are not meant for each other. My parents hate him, my friends don't know what to think, and I can't help but trust their opinions.
  4. I am head over heels in love with him and I feel like we are meant for each other. My superficial/indecisive/unindividualistic side of me wants to agree with my friends.

I just realized that all those reasons have the same root: love is really fucking hard to handle. It would be easy to not create problems and go with the flow. It would be easy to end it and go back to being a single, anonymous slut who walks alone down the sidewalk with fierce pride. It would be easy to agree with everyone around me for all the wrong reasons.

But it is not easy to live with heartbreak. I don't want to wake up everyday knowing I threw away something great. He understands me like no one else can. I act around everyone in my life except for him. He brings me back down to earth. He brings out my good and bad faces and kisses them both.

It's easier to live with a couple of doubts that disappear when I'm not trying to live up to my family's expectations.


mtlanglo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JN said...

wow- i wonder what i deleted