Breaking point.

In the attempt to figure out what is missing from my life, I tried just about everything.

I had flings with boys.
I broke off all the flings.
I messed up my apartment.
I cleaned my apartment.
I worked all the time.
I took time off.
I lived frugally.
I lived like a princess.
I talked to my friends.
I shut myself off from the world.

I read a book. I wrote a poem. I dreamed. I walked. I watched a movie. I watched TV. I listened to music. I made music.

But what is missing is clearly deeper than all that. And it's staring me in the face. It's been lurking for a long time and it is not something I'm entirely comfortable with. It would mean changing behaviour. It would mean changing my outlook. It might mean looking at my past in a whole new light. It might bring a total reevaluation of everything.

I said a while ago, I'm waiting for either a breakdown or a breakthrough. Either way, something is about to break. Something is about to give and I just hope I'm ready for it.