Wednesday, November 29, 2006

the outside perspective

I think you are the best performer in the class.
It is a pleasure to work with a student as articulate as yourself.
A+
I would love to see your production of this show. Actually, I would love to be IN it.
A+
You have come a long way since September.
A+
I love the way you work. Do you need an Assistant Director for your show?
You have way more experience than us and it shows.
Sometimes you get students who stand in a league of their own. You are that kind of student.
A+
You are outstanding in that role.
A+
You have the right to be cocky but you aren't. That's special.

More than half of those were said yesterday. So what do I do? Walk away at the end of the day kicking my own ass because in my opinion, I didn't nail 20 minutes of a total of 4 hours of performance work. 20 minutes out of 4 hours. That's less than 10%. I believe that 10% of what I did in one incredibly long day is less than perfect despite the fact that the other 90% garnered nothing but glowing remarks from my peers and my profs. Or maybe that 10% merited the comments as well and I'm just an anal retentive nutbag.

Maybe I don't believe I'm that good because I used to get turned down for roles when I was really young, dumb and untrained. Now, 10 years later, I am older, smarter and pretty damn trained. Maybe I do have the right to be cocky and believe in my skill.

Maybe I am doing more than following my bliss, and I'm actually following what I am really good at. Who knows... maybe they are right and I am an outstanding performer and director that my profs and peers respect to the point that they want to work with me... Maybe I can just remember that if one of my profs who has been acting and directing professionally for 40-odd years wants to work with me, I might actually be good at this.

Then I should shut the fuck up, stay modest, stay lazy, and stay a perfectionist because this little formula of mine is working in some odd way. Who knows, one day I might just work a little harder than I am right now in order to be at a point when I want to tell myself that I am great at what I do.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Back in Black

de retour

I appear to have moved in with my boyfriend. I also appear to be getting good grades despite the increased wine intake. I appear to have kept a job for longer than 4 months. It appears that my life has been taken over by some strange and unknown creature who can handle a responsibility or two.

So why not bring back the best procrastination tool in the world? Lord knows something must have been going wrong for the last 6 months...

By the way, whoever has been trying to hack into this blog and my account should get a goddamn life. To them I say: Fuck you to the end of this sentence.