Thursday, November 24, 2005

Poor small sods


I was thinking more and more about small penises and quite frankly, it's making me sad. I feel just awful for all those poor sods who either don't have much to play with and who most likely have diminished their already minimal usability due to a sagging pot belly.

I have had a BBC documentary on my harddrive for a while now called "My Penis and I". It's about a man and his sad little 3.5 inch long Johnston. Having nightmares yet ladies?

So this guy tells the camera all about his feelings of inadequacy (no surprise there) and talks to everyone about it. I mean, the guy goes to his old highschool to fondly reminesce about getting teased in the locker room, he asks his girlfriend about his mini-knob and he even asks his mother about who passed that unfortunate gene along. Turns out it was his dear ol' daddy. Poor mother has been with him for a long time and is still bitter about the lack of cock in the house.

Small dick man goes to the States and gets a mold of his penis done by that woman who does celebrity cocks.... Jimi Hendrix had quite the girth going for him. Janis must have been waddling for days.

For the record, and for the repuation of my boyfriend, I have no complaints to make. The last two posts were directed at the rampant problem of size-deficient men out there, who thankfully, I won't ever have to deal with again.


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Karaoke time

Sing to the tune of "I Will Survive".

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
when you said you had 10 inches Lord
I almost died,
but I'd spent oh so many years just
waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong, and I knew that
I could take you on.

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big Mac and you've
bought me a french fry,
I should have known that it was
bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
should have known there was no
anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go, walk out the door,
don't you promise me 10 inches then
turn up with only 4,
weren't you a prat to
think I
wouldn't catch you out,
don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count.

Chorus:
I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries, My
sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a
handful of latex,
I will survive,
I will survive...
hey hey.

It took all my self control not to
laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner
standing short and proud,
But to hell with all your egos and
to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a
cordless multispeed.

Go on now go, walk out the
door,
don't you promise me 10 inches then
turn up with only 4,
weren't you a prat to think I
wouldn't catch you out,
don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Actors are curious beasts.

I saw a dress rehearsal of "Antigone" at Theatre du Nouveau Monde last night (I'm so special, I saw it before the rest of the public gets to) and once I got past the giggling about the fact that in French 'anteeginee' is pronounced 'anti-GONE' I had a great time. I don't see nearly enough plays which is tragic because I'm supposed to be a theatre student. I nearly forgot about that excitement the audience gets when the house lights go down, and characters burst onstage and everything is new and fresh and the audience is ready for anything.

That's why I am in theatre... for those chills you get right before a world is unveiled right before your eyes. And I cannot believe how long it has been since I got those chills. Anyways, it was a dress rehearsal and there were a few rough spots, but that is the beauty of theatre. People can and will fuck up right before your eyes. Actors are still building up for that opening night intensity and I found that their holding back was pretty interesting. I could actually see them think. I could see them say to themselves "shit, that didn't sound so great" or "oh my god, there is finally an audience here".

After the show, the director ran over to block the curtain call. This director was trying to organize the longest, most complicated curtain call on the face of the planet and actors being actors were just not getting it. Ismene kept walking in the wrong direction. Antigone squinted past the glaring white lights and just stood absolutely still for what seemed like hours, her face all squished up and when she finally realized that every other member of the cast was in fact, offstage, she scuttled off like an embarrassed little puppy. I thought the whole thing was hilarious.

Until the actors started to be hams. After a certain point, the actors began to notice that there was still an audience in the house and they had no more lines to say and no more blocking to go through. So while they waited for their next direction, they milked their places in the spotlight for far more than what they were worth. They said lame jokes, did little tap dances and sung classic songs like "pump the jam".

Still in costume, with no character to hide behind, these actors looked scared. And then they looked like court jesters. Curious little actors.

----
As for the play, it was good. Lights were great, set was fun but the costumes were cliched and had no continuity. The acting was generally solid, but Antigone was too angry and had no build. If she is freaking out right from the opening scene, she has nowhere to go later on. And all the actors seemed to really like looking up. What was up there?! The Gods sure weren't because they all looked down when they mentioned the gods, which is silly because only Justice is mentioned as actually being underground. I figured the rest of them were on that mountain, which would be up, right? The woman who played Eurydice was fantastic. Only two lines in the whole play but her presence was simply spellbinding. Also, she was the only one who didn't need to be a dork onstage while the director fumbled around with herding the cast into complicated risewalkstopbowstopsplitwalkstopbowbowwalkpausewalkbowwalk sequences.

Monday, November 21, 2005

blog plug

I love this guy's rants almost as much as I love ranting about similar stuff. DJ's? It's fucking hilarious. And the breakdown of the restaurant world? Oh, I nearly started....

If you are wondering what "started" means, consult Oscar Wilde. In his plays there are notes for the actors that say such things like "She starts". You all should know that Oscar W. is practically the prophet for the Danish Pedophile Association. Wilde was totally pro-young-boy-old-man-lovin back in the day. And so is NAMBLA. It's pretty fucking scary, I know. I nearly had nightmares about the fact that there are men out there who are fighting for the right for young children to be sexual.

stay on task, stay on TASK!!

Right, so back to the definition of started. Basically it's an 1800's slang-like abbreviation. Today we say "ridic" instead of the laborious pronunciation of ridiculous. Back in Wilde's heyday, they said "started" instead of "started to cry" or "started to flip-out" or "started to hyperventilate". I guess it gave more freedom for the actor's interpretation of the character. And it saved time. They talked really slowly back then. I'm bet people would "start" out of frustration from waiting until someone finished their sentence.

Seeing as how I will be in a scene playing some Lady Windermere type, I think I might exploit this "started" thing and just go nuts. What if she "started to swear uncontrollably" or even better "started to hump the leg of an audience member". If I go with the latter, I'll try to pick out the youngest member of the audience in the spirit of Wilde. That is what he would have wanted.

Anyways, dude's blog is cool. He just insults everyone and everything. I respect that in an individual. PROPS! That shit is ridic man!

Friday, November 18, 2005

bits and tits

no carrots no cabbages
no theatre no school
no rants no hopes no desires
today
or the last few weeks either for that matter

i have been too busy not writing essays to write anything else
not to mention the consuming task of creating a visual and auditory world for a performance piece

i was thinking more about those naked pictures i have on the web and how people keep finding them and actually commenting to me on them

women seem to think it's pretty gutsy and cool of me to do so

so i'm going to go buff for my next performance

well, topless, at least
and body paint
(someone mentioned pasties but i poopooed that idea... in this show i'm a bird, not a stripper)
but i have to crawl before i can walk

i admire nude performances and the artists who create them

besides
using naked performers really means a lower budget which is sexier than anything else you might see onstage